Jeremy Clarke Jeremy Clarke

Life amid Catriona’s cleaning regime

We sleep between steam-ironed sheets and my voice is forever drowned out by one of Mr Dyson’s gadgets – but what do I know?

Catriona can’t stop cleaning, even with a twisted ankle [Peopleimages/iStock] 
issue 30 October 2021

Earlier in this run of glorious October sunshine I was languishing on the bed in the middle of the afternoon not feeling up to much. The phone rang. Catriona. Could I manage to get down the path to help carry two heavy shopping bags back up to the house? ‘I’m on my way, mon chou’, I said, maintaining my customary ‘willing helper’ tone of voice.

I went down the path in my pants, which could pass for thin shorts in the event of an encounter at the bottom with one of the neighbours. From here it’s a short climb to a dusty plateau were we park the cars. I gallantly refused Catriona’s offer that we carried a bag each, saying that I’d be better balanced with both.

As we set off, Catriona slid on some loose stones and lost her footing. I looked round and she was on her back in the road.

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