Liberty is the American virus

If I wanted to persuade my fellow Americans to eat more cheese, I would begin by launching a campaign to ban cheese. This might start with the argument cheese clogs arteries or lowers IQ. I’d find some doctors willing to testify that cheese inhibits testosterone, and some other doctors to insist it fouls up estrogen. 

Then I would move on to the damage cheese does to the climate: too many cows, goats, sheep — methane, don’t you know. Greenhouse gases. Deforestation brought to you by cheddar. ‘Cheese kills!’ might serve as a motto. Next, I would sort out the cheese-producing states that would have to be melted into submission, perhaps with the promise of extravagant subsidies. And last I would have to find a way to get President Biden to announce a national mandate to stamp out cheese.

Then, like a Bond villain, I would sit back and watch my cheese investments and my side bet on cracker futures soar, as tens of millions of Americans rushed out to buy as much cheese as possible.