Let us enjoy peace on Mars while we still can

There are some things to be said in favour of the planet Mars. Its atmosphere contains almost no oxygen, the temperature in winter reaches minus 143˚C, it is exceptionally arid and dusty, and any human travelling to the place would receive sufficient solar radiation to be lit up like a Russian dissident. My problem with the place, though, is that it is only 33 million miles distant. It is altogether too close for comfort, virtually a stone’s throw away. Mercury, I think, or better still Pluto, would be far more fun. On Mercury, incineration would be instantaneous. However it is Pluto that really fits the bill. It is three billion miles away, roughly — and bracingly chilly, a little like Hull in January. And also airless and bleak and devoid of light. Perfect. In deep space, nobody can you hear from the Diary Room.

I suppose it had to happen.