Left bereft

Dear Jeremy,

Please don’t go. I know you’re even more unpopular than the England football team right now — your shadow cabinet is currently emptier than the promise of a weekly £350 million for the NHS. Every few seconds a disloyal minister sends you an insincere letter full of veiled enmity which might as well say: ‘Dear Jeremy, since nobody likes you I’ve decided I don’t like you either, so I’m taking my ball back! Find someone else to play with — if you can.’ So I thought I’d write you a letter of my own, to let you know that someone still thinks you’re wonderful and wants to be in your gang.

You don’t know me, but I feel I know you intimately (though not as intimately as I’d like). You see, I’m a comedian and have been travelling the UK with a JC lookalike, performing an ode to your magnificence.