Jeeves and the Midnight Mess

‘Christmas Eve in Mayfair, Jeeves! There’s nothing in heaven to top it. Even with the terror of eleventh-hour shopping for the gang Travers.’

‘Indeed, sir.’

‘But we can’t pitch up at Brinkley Court tomorrow bereft of g., f., and the other one.’

‘Myrrh, sir? No, sir.’

‘I fear I’m both a little later and much tighter than expected. I bumped into Bingo, you see, and had a snifter at the Feverish Cheese. Then we met Tuppy for a quick ’un at the Startled Shrimp, and finally we were accosted by Barmy who marched us for a gargle or two at the Mottled Oyster.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘But I did not forget the Christmas presents! I have polka-dotted socks for Uncle Tom, shaving caboodle for Cousin Bonzo, something hideously perfumed for Cousin Angela, something hideously floral for Aunt Dahlia… and a little surprise for you.’

‘You are too kind, sir.’

‘Of course, I couldn’t resist these for me.’

I located a leather case in one of the many packages and showed Jeeves my acquisition. He peered at it with the jaundiced eye of a Borgia family food taster.

‘Are they… marbles, sir?’

‘No! They are harlequin shirt-studs
fabricated from solid silver and coloured gems.’

‘They are uncommonly carbuncular, sir.’

‘Aren’t they just! I bought a dozen so I could mix ’em up: red, green, violet, yellow, azure blue, rose. What d’you think?’

‘I think they will draw attention, sir, and attract comment.’

‘Splendid! Sole purpose of visit!’

‘You are surely not proposing to exhibit them in public, sir?’

‘Put money on it! Lunch tomorrow is to be their debut. I shall compete for honours with Aunt Dahlia’s Christmas tree.’

‘I imagine it will be a closely contested fight, sir.’

Jeeves took stock of the parcels at my feet, and glanced up with concern.

‘Were there no Christmas puddings to be found at Fortnum and Mason, sir?’