I wonder what explanation will be found for the mysterious discovery of a woman’s body tucked behind a hedge on the royal estate of Sandringham? The obvious answer — that she was murdered and partially eaten by a senior member of the royal family, or perhaps a number of royal family members operating as a pack — is, I think, too easily arrived at, too pat. It is true that the Queen and Prince Philip, along with the Wessexes, were in situ over the Christmas holidays. And one might add as corroborating evidence that the royals have been publicly criticised for shooting raptors on the estate and so perhaps diverted their bloodlust towards the pursuit of humans, suspecting that this might occasion less opprobrium.
But I still do not quite buy it. Even less, the other so-called ‘obvious’ answer — that this unfortunate was one of the legions of mentally deranged royal women whom the Windsors have kept hidden from us for years, in cellars and outhouses and secret asylums around the country. I have never bought into this theory, though; it is hard to think of anyone being madder than Princess Margaret or the Duchess of Kent, and they were allowed out and about in full view of the public.
My suspicion is that the dead woman is a commoner and that her death had nothing to do with the royal family. Statistically, it seems almost certain that she was a woman who had recently undergone a cut-price breast-enhancement treatment and was out for a walk when one, or perhaps both, of her breasts exploded causing mortal injury. According to the newspapers, between 40,000 and 70,000 British women have availed themselves of this French cheapo boob job procedure, pioneered by a firm which has now gone bust and whose principals are now being investigated by the police.
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