In the line of duty

Back at church after a few weeks’ absence, I found the vicar in a terrible state. ‘Oh my dear chap, we’ve all been thinking of you. Is it true?’ he said. ‘What?’ I said. ‘What you said in The Spectator about getting divorced,’ he said. ‘You must never take the nonsense I write seriously,’ I said. And all down the aisles, as the news spread (‘We’d been praying for you,’ one woman said), I could see waves of relief spreading through the church, and I thought, ‘How lovely. People actually care!’

But there are some things that are far, far too important to make jokes about, and one of them is England’s dismal performance in the World Cup. So when, in a few paragraphs’ time, I propose that for failing their nation in its hour of need our players and manager should be subject to penalties similar to the ones handed out in the first world war for desertion I don’t want you to laugh.