If only the Chilean miners could be replaced by double-dip doomsters

Martin Vander Weyer’s Any Other Business

If life was a Doctor Who series and I was the scriptwriter, I would have the courageous Chilean miners tele-ported instantaneously to the surface — and replaced at the bottom of the collapsed shaft by 33 gloomy economists and market commentators. They would range from New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, who says that the present recovery isn’t really a recovery at all, to Société Générale strategist Albert Edwards, who says investors should brace for a ‘bloodbath’ as the US slides back into recession. Instead of the antidepressants that are being sent down to keep the miners’ spirits from sinking, the economists would be fed a constant diet of cheerful news items.

‘Good morning down there,’ the daily bulletin might begin. ‘Up here, dozens of British companies in every sector from engineering to estate agency have reported increased profits, following a round of spectacularly improved results from the banks. Our economy grew at its fastest rate for nine years in the second quarter, at 1.2 per cent, and although we know that reflected a rush of public-sector construction as well as rebuilding of inventories, it’s still encouraging — as is the news for July and August, what with manufacturers forging ahead with exports to Europe, and retail sales looking stronger than at any time since April 2007. And Albert, if you’re listening, your SocGen colleague Brian Hilliard thinks growth for this quarter “should return close to trend of around 0.5 per cent… rather than plunging close to zero as some had feared”. He’s also upgraded his UK annual growth forecast to 1.6 per cent this year, and expects 2.1 per cent next year. What’s that? No, no need to reply — save your strength.’