I want three years’ paternity leave for each of my children — backdated

I am presently mulling over the idea of taking the next three years off from this journalism lark and spending the time instead on ‘paternity leave’. This is a new proposal by some Tory think tank so I am assuming that a) Cameron will win the next election and b) adopt the idea and c) have the grace to backdate it to the birth of my daughter, Emmeline, two years ago. Better still, he could backdate it to cover the birth of my two sons as well, thus giving me a total of nine years’ paid leave, which should comfortably see me through until the old liver packs up.

The Tories have yet to fill in the fine detail, however, and some questions remain: do the three-year stretches run consecutively, as I have assumed above, or — as in the case in most prison sentences these days — concurrently? And do we actually have to look after the bloody children and prove that we have done so? What if we just ignored them apart from the occasional hefty clout across the skull? Also, what happens in the case of divorcees like me? Can we still claim the time off? And, thinking about it, doesn’t the policy lack inclusiveness, penalising those who through no fault of their own cannot have children? Perhaps it would be fairer and simpler if we all got three years’ paid leave every time we had sexual intercourse, or even attempted, unsuccessfully, to have sexual intercourse.