I’m a non-believer

In Competition No. 2845 you were invited to provide a hymn for atheists. This excellent, and topical, competition was suggested by John Whitworth, in response to the growth of organised atheism.

Hymns do not feature at all at the Sunday Assembly, an atheist church founded last year in London. Instead the congregation sings along, in evangelical style, to pop songs by the likes of the Pointer Sisters, Stevie Wonder and Daft Punk. Perhaps they might feel inspired, by one of the entries below, to change their tune.

Most popular

Charles Walford

Forget Adolescence: this is the Netflix drama teenage boys should watch

Honourable mentions go to Sid Field, George Simmers, Barbara Smoker, Nick Grace, Richard Kelly and Samuel Johnson.

The bonus fiver is Rob Stuart’s and the rest take £25 each.

What a friend we have in Darwin,
Whose inflammatory research
Formulated evolution,
To the chagrin of the Church.
Now we know that capybaras,
Emus, crocodiles and perch,
Even tapeworms are our kindred,
Let’s eradicate the Church.

Serried enemies of reason
Always struggle to besmirch
Any evidence they’re offered
If it challenges the Church.
Inconsistencies in fossils
Aren’t forthcoming, so they’ll search
Unsuccessfully for ever.
Let’s eradicate the Church.
Rob Stuart

Hark, the non-believers sing,
Atheism is the thing.
Only fools take gods on trust.
Man is naught but cosmic dust.
Guilt and superstition-free,
That’s what Man is born to be.
Hark the song we atheists sing.
Let the godless rafters ring.

Hark, the prospect of release
From resurrection post-decease.
Thus we atheists will save
Ourselves from life beyond the grave
With those fools who, in the main,
We’d not want to meet again.
Hark the fervent atheists’ song.
We are right, the rest are wrong.
Martin Parker

Guide us not, pray don’t redeem us,
Non-believers, every one;
Join us now — we’re all blasphemers,
Godlessness is lots of fun.

No harvest prayers to plough and scatter,
As we sow, we shall not reap;
Give us talks on antimatter,
Leave religion to the sheep.

No need to fight the tribes of Midian,
Or feel the sting of Jesse’s rod;
It’s great to be a nullifidian,
Never fear, there is no god.