I’d expected a Hefner party, but this was like a ‘mixer’ at a florida retirement home

I’m writing this having just flown back from Jamaica on the red eye (no pun intended). I feel a little shell-shocked, but not because I was up all night trying to stop my two-year-old son from running up and down the aisle screaming ‘Bollocks’. Rather, it’s because my wife and I spent our last evening at a resort called Hedonism II.

I had wanted to go to this place ever since stumbling across a brochure on our first day. As far as I could tell from flicking through its pages, Hedonism II is essentially a nudist resort populated entirely by supermodels. Guests are encouraged to spend the morning playing ‘Naked Twister’, the afternoon on a catamaran cruise (‘clothing optional’), and the evening competing in a ‘pole-dancing contest’. The brochure was illustrated with pictures of Naomi Campbell lookalikes engaging in all these activities. Persuading Caroline to join me was easy. All I had to do was threaten to go on my own if she didn’t come too.