I’d expected a Hefner party, but this was like a ‘mixer’ at a florida retirement home

I’m writing this having just flown back from Jamaica on the red eye (no pun intended). I feel a little shell-shocked, but not because I was up all night trying to stop my two-year-old son from running up and down the aisle screaming ‘Bollocks’. Rather, it’s because my wife and I spent our last evening at a resort called Hedonism II.

I had wanted to go to this place ever since stumbling across a brochure on our first day. As far as I could tell from flicking through its pages, Hedonism II is essentially a nudist resort populated entirely by supermodels. Guests are encouraged to spend the morning playing ‘Naked Twister’, the afternoon on a catamaran cruise (‘clothing optional’), and the evening competing in a ‘pole-dancing contest’. The brochure was illustrated with pictures of Naomi Campbell lookalikes engaging in all these activities. Persuading Caroline to join me was easy. All I had to do was threaten to go on my own if she didn’t come too. In truth, though, I don’t think she was particularly worried that I would end up playing ‘nude volleyball’ with a group of swimsuit models. It was more that her curiosity was piqued when our babysitter told her that Hedonism II is known locally as ‘the zoo’.

As luck would have it, Hedonism II was only a five-minute taxi ride from our resort. When we got there we discovered an added bonus: it was the 28th anniversary party. Admittedly, the entrance fee was a little steep — $150 for two — but the girl at reception told us we didn’t have to leave until 6 a.m. the following morning. ‘That’s money well spent,’ I told Caroline, before dragging her down a tunnel leading to the party.

The first thought that struck me when we emerged blinking into the light was that we must have come to the wrong place.