How to write the perfect aphorism

I love aphorisms. As a kid I used to pore over my parents’ book of quotations, relishing its gems and treasures like the defiant wit of Palmerston. ‘Die my dear doctor? That’s the last thing I shall do.’

The beauty of these sayings lies in their blend of adroitness, concision and wordplay. Here’s Tom Stoppard at his best: ‘what free love is free of is love.’ George Bernard Shaw’s remark, ‘we learn from history that we learn nothing from history’, contains a trivial insight: humans are doomed to repeat the mistakes of their ancestors. But he turns it into a timeless motto by using two related but subtly different meanings of ‘to learn.’ In the first instance, ‘learn’ means to ‘realise’ or to ‘understand.’ In the second, it means to ‘gain experience’ or to ‘improve oneself.’

Some aphorisms are throwaway quips that anyone might have said but their authorship lends them a particular lustre. ‘If a man marries a good wife he’ll be happy. If he marries a bad one he’ll become a philosopher.’ This is usually ascribed to Socrates and its association with the founder of western philosophy makes it much funnier than if it had been a gag by Bob Monkhouse, say, or Frank Carson. Mark Twain described golf as ‘a good walk spoiled’ but it could have been a saying by Churchill or even Billy Connolly. And it lacks the searing humour and universality of Twain’s best quotes – like his take on US foreign policy. ‘God created war so that Americans could learn geography.’

Most popular

Ross Clark

Britain is living beyond its means

Great aphorisms mirror the author’s distinctive outlook and character. When Woody Allen said, ‘not only is there no God but try getting a plumber on weekends’ he seemed to capture the essence of the neurotic Jewish intellectual. It’s hard to imagine anyone but the peace-loving anarchist, Bill Hicks, delivering this sorrowful verdict on history. ‘It sucks, doesn’t it? Jesus – murdered. Gandhi – murdered. Lennon – murdered. Reagan – wounded.’

An aphorism is more than just a catchphrase. The original blonde bombshell, Mae West, is famous for saying ‘come up and see me sometime’ but it might have been uttered by Marilyn Monroe or Diana Dors. Far more memorable and illuminating is Mae West’s summary of her career. ‘I used to be Snow White but I drifted.’

One of the best aphorists, Friedrich Nietzsche, was a pastor’s son and a biblical scholar who in a different age would doubtless have become a priest. Here he is speaking from his imaginary pulpit. ‘Woman. God’s second blunder.’ Nietzsche has few rivals as an analyst of the human heart. ‘Even the man who despises himself admires himself as one who despises.’

The finest aphorism I know comes from The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce. Not only is it a great gag, it’s also a perfect short story in just 12 words. ‘Sweater: garment worn by a child when its mother is feeling chilly.’ Inspired by Bierce, I’ve made a few attempts to master the genre myself. Here they are.

Prayer: words uttered at the grave of reason.
Foreign aid: the empire under new management.
Beer: alcoholic drink considered non-alcoholic by alcoholics.
Legacy: Generous distribution of wealth that brings grieving families closer to their lawyers.
Vomit: restaurant review.
Airhead: anyone your wife deems worryingly attractive.
Infallible: always wrong.
Royal expert: gossip who knows nothing about anything – except how to charge fees for saying anything about nothing.
Suicide pact: marital pastime – (experienced players let their partner go first.)
ADHD: A disorder whose only symptom is the desire for a disorder.
Maggot: charmless, greedy, pestilential pus-coloured vagrant whom you will eventually feed.
PhD: debt certificate.
Decisions: In life, a man’s job is to make the decisions and a woman’s job is to make him think he made them.
Cat: tyrant nominally owned by its slave.
Avalanche: shrug that rids a mountain of its fleas.
Death: start of many a great artistic career.
‘I do’: a vow made at the altar by an oath-taker who privately thinks, ‘you’ll do.’
Master of wine: snob with drink problem.
Cancer: major cause of death and fun-runs.
Botox: poison injections to dispel self-loathing (see Heroin)
Heroin: poison injections to dispel self-loathing (see Botox)
Pyramids: graveyard where tourism was born.
Grand National: important day for betting and soap.
Africa: sumptuous location for a documentary, often featuring a fake activist holding a real orphan.
‘Fire’: cry uttered by a playwright during the press-night of a more successful rival.
Toy boy: young male lover who revives an older woman’s insecurities.
British Museum: lost property office notoriously tardy in returning items.
Venice: heaven on earth ruined by word of mouth.
Golf course: Thor’s firing range.
Puritan: anyone despised for the sin of contentment.
Suicide: scathing review of mankind, published posthumously.
Womb: tranquil nook, refreshments supplied, where the performer awaits his cue.
Airport: destination reached by some flights.
Weeping: a sign that a rash promise is about to be made by a vulnerable male.
Divorce: freedom to blunder anew.
Pub: failed temperance society.
Socialism: my problems solved with your money.
Claret: paradoxical beverage – the more claret you drink the less clarity you feel.
Environmentalist: frequent flyer.
Hospital elevator: electric hoist that can safely carry seven civilians or one nurse.
Hatred: a feeling elicited only by the truly popular.
Success: circumstance that makes you feel you’ve improved as a person when you haven’t. (See Failure)
Failure: circumstance that makes you feel you’ve deteriorated as a person when you’ve improved. (See Success)
Civil servant: a technocrat hired to make problems end who makes problems endless.
Envy: barrage of malice to which everyone hopes to be subjected.
Terrorist: radical who endangers innocent life for political ends, e.g. an IRA bomber or a striking doctor.
Mother-in-law: vital source of treats and presents, the most important being absence.
Cinema: popcorn restaurant.
Sick pay: chief cause of illness among salaried workers.
Post mortem: Festive gathering of NHS staff to celebrate new bed vacancy.
Honey: bee tax.
Eurovision song contest: long-running television musical about the unresolved conflicts of world war two.
Fishing-line: thread with a worm at either end.
Incurable: description given to any malady invented by doctors to flog pills to the healthy.
Aftershave: charming reminder to him on his birthday that he smells.
James Bond: alcoholic, serial killer, role model.