Steam, which is largely insubstantial, rises. The same goes for soap suds, methane bubbles and numerous politicians. We naively consider 21st-century Britain a meritocracy, yet serial failures still float to the top of our public life.
It has been a good year for these latter-day Widmerpools. Two changes of prime minister provided rich openings. One failer-upper made it all the way to 10 Downing Street; another leads HM Opposition. They are not just in parliamentary politics. In the civil service, journalism, art, football, business, the church and elsewhere, duffers drift upwards, grinning inanely while the rest of us gasp: ‘How did that happen?’
Resistance is pointless. We should embrace these lemons as part of the serendipity of life. Failer-uppers give hope to us all. Hail, therefore, the following paladins of bungling:
Liz Truss: one minute she was best known for making a daft speech about cheese, next she was our prime minister. Had everyone forgotten her stint as justice secretary? It made Chris Grayling’s time in that role look illustrious.
Sir Keir Starmer: the nasal knight (why can’t he blow his nose?) wasn’t much good as director of public prosecutions or as Jeremy Corbyn’s Brexit spokesman. During lockdown? Worse than useless. A dead cert for No. 10, then.
Andrew Bailey: stupendous dullard who steered the Financial Conduct Authority to near-calamity. Now working his magic as governor of the Bank of England. Was appointed by…
Sajid Javid: bodged six government departments before helping to topple Boris Johnson in the name of stability. Even worse chaos ensued. Has grown a goatee, as they do. Was ousted as chancellor by…
Dominic Cummings: political genius formerly hated, now lionised, by the left. Argued that the Blob was a menace. Through his own feral plotting he then secured the triumph of… the Blob. Lee Harvey Oswald settled for one assassination, Dom has bumped off three Tory leaders (Iain Duncan Smith, Theresa May, Boris Johnson). So far.
Amol Rajan: one-time ‘media adviser’ to Baron Lebedev of Hampton in the London Borough of Richmond upon Thames and of Siberia in the Russian Federation. Moved to Radio 4 and is doing to the Today programme’s ratings what he did to the Independent when he was its editor (it stopped printing). University Challenge is doomed.
Resistance is pointless. We should embrace these lemons as part of the serendipity of life
Bishop of London: her predecessor was the magisterial, resonant Richard Chartres. Sarah Mullally was once a chief nursing officer, bed baths more her bag than theology. She’s humdingingly terrible at public speaking. At the Queen’s funeral – ‘Endure thy ministers with righteousness’ – she nearly sent a ripple of laughter round the Abbey. Will they dare ask her to help at the coronation?
Jolyon Maugham: kimono-clad, fox-killing KC who wins less often than Nottingham Forest. Suckers still send him oodles of cash to fight pointless cases.
Marcus Brigstocke: middle-class political satirist who calls himself a ‘major comedy, writing and acting talent’. Played a circus tightrope walker in the musical Barnum. The night I went, he kept falling off.
Sir Gavin Williamson: once, twice, three times a reject. Lionel Ritchie should write a song about Williamson’s ability to make prime ministers regret appointing him.
Wendy Morton: few Foreign Office parliamentary undersecretaries have been as jibberingly bad at the despatch box. Shunted to Transport, she stalled there, too. Liz Truss made her chief whip. Priceless.
Jamie Lloyd: few theatre directors are so modish. Or consistent: nearly everything he does is terrible. He staged The Seagull in a chipboard box. Many of the critics, anxious to be trendy, duly perjured themselves.
Eddie Izzard: no matter what colour handbag he/she wears, this comedian just can’t get adopted by a constituency Labour party. An all-women shortlist may be the only answer. Provided he/she’s not going through a male phase that day.
Dame Helen Ghosh: posh heel-twirler who somehow became perm’ sec’ of Defra and the Home Office. Hard to say at which she was worse. Moved to the National Trust and completed a hat-trick of bungles. Now an Oxford head of house. Can Balliol survive?
Danny Blanchflower: American professor of ‘economics of happiness’ who always sounds distinctly unhappy when commenting on British politics. This former BoE dove was still demanding lower interest rates a year ago, insisting inflation would be temporary. Radio presenters continue to call him ‘distinguished’.
Sir John Manzoni: left BP after the Texas City refinery explosion. Encouraged by his old boss Lord Browne (friend of P. Mandelson), he became chief executive of the civil service, a time splodged by scandals. Now, yikes, he chairs the Atomic Weapons Research Establishment.
Lord Barwell: gulpy Gavin lost his Tory seat in Croydon in 2017 and, as consolation, was made chief of staff to Theresa May. Now much in demand as a TV pundit on, er, competence in government.
Lord Levene: as a Ministry of Defence procurement guru, Peter Levene proposed buying European helicopters. The Westland affair followed. Later advised John Major, ran the ridiculous Docklands Light Railway and chaired General Dynamics, whose Ajax vehicle has gobbled £3 billion of government money. Oh, and he had a board seat at Haymarket mags, thanks to his old Westland pal Michael Heseltine.
Sir Stephen Lovegrove: another defence-world ace who was wafflesome permanent secretary at the MoD. ‘Promoted’ to national security adviser, he has been turfed out of that, too. Would be a natural on Call My Bluff.
James Purnell: Blairite Spad, Labour MP, culture secretary, BBC suit; what a glorious career arc, suave to the last Photoshopped press release. Is now ‘a film producer’.
Cressida Dick: not even the death of Jean Charles de Menezes halted this failer-upper’s ascent through the police. With each mishap she only gained more medals and silver tassels for her ceremonial uniform until she was head of the Met.
Sir Anish Kapoor: failer-uppers do well in art. Kapoor, adept at sponging juicy civic commissions, co-created the squiggly ‘Orbit’ for the London Olympics park. Aesthetes clasped hands to chests. The rest of the world went: ‘Eh?’
Chuka Umunna: remember Chuka? He was going to be Labour’s big thing. Then he defected to Change UK. Then he joined the Lib Dems. Now? Being paid a fortune by JP Morgan. He was a capitalist all along!
Oliver Dowden: ‘Olive’ is as wet as an otter yet successive Tory PMs have used him as a ‘good communicator’. All he radiates is a damp complacency. Still, it saves anyone else having to get up early to do the media round.
Ursula von der Leyen: longest-serving of Angela Merkel’s ministers (that doesn’t sound such a good thing these days), she ran the German army so badly that its soldiers arrived at a training exercise with broomsticks rather than rifles. After that Dad’s Army triumph, the presidency of the European Commission was only a matter of time.
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