How to conquer America

Teenagers, in my experience, divide into the unmotivated and the motivated sort. You can spot the symptoms: given a free day, the unmotivated one will go out to buy a new phone charger, while the motivated one will go on an advanced sailing course. If you’re the unmotivated sort, read no further. This piece is not for you. You have as little chance of getting a place at an American university as my lazy dog does of winning Crufts.

And when I say motivated, forget the Oxbridge level of motivation. Doing well in A-levels, filling in a Ucas form, managing to cook up a personal statement claiming to be passionate about your subject, going for a couple of tricky interviews; that’s an absolute doddle, an M&S picnic, compared with the kind of motivation you need to have to get into a US university.

For that, you need the dazzling all-round brain power of Leonardo da Vinci combined with the passion of Emmeline Pankhurst and the single-minded organisational skills of Judy Murray.