To Brighton, to address a conference of property investors. Unusually, I find myself programmed alongside both Gerard Lyons, City economist turned Mayor Boris’s adviser, who is notably upbeat in his forecast, and Robert Peston, who is distinctly downbeat in an extended after-dinner lecture with graphs, but gets away with it because his voice mannerisms are so compelling and women in the audience are fascinated by his new haircut.
I do a lot of this kind of work and always enjoy it, but what’s different this time is that I’m more accustomed to being booked as a stand-in for the likes of Pesto and Lyons than as a stand-up awards-ceremony-compère sandwiched between them — the solo gigs generally coming my way after phone calls to the speaker agency that, I imagine, go something like this…
‘Hello, we’d like to book that brainy sexpot Robert Peston off the telly to light up our business conference.’
‘Certainly, madam. That will be 50,000 guineas plus a helicopter to the venue.’
‘Aha, I see. Perhaps someone a bit less expensive? How much is Boris Johnson?
‘Can’t book him for love or money — or indeed both — these days, madam, I’m afraid. He’s so dedicated to his mayoral duties and nursing his Uxbridge seat. And anyway he’s the keynote speaker at the Gulf Business Ethics Awards in Dubai that day.’
‘Pro bono, no doubt?’
‘I couldn’t possibly say, madam. But while we’re on the subject, how about Bono himself? Or Russell Brand…
‘Spare me. I’ll try another agency…’
‘Oh no, madam, I’m sure we can oblige. Have you thought of genial Gerard Lyons, only 5,000 bitcoins plus a stretch limo full of lap dancers? Or Ant and Dec: frankly, their price is dropping so fast we can probably do buy-one-get-one-free…’
‘Look, I’m very sorry, but our budget really is tight this year.
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