Henry James sells Heinz baked beans

In Competition No. 3201, a contest inspired by Salman ‘naughty but nice’ Rushdie, you were invited to submit advertising copy for the product of your choice in the style of a well-known author. In a huge and hotly contested entry, unlucky losers Bill Greenwell, Brian Murdoch, Ann Drysdale, Tom Adam and Nick MacKinnon were only narrowly outflanked by those below who take £25 each. Congratulations, all round.

Once upon the throne I squatted, almost bursting a carotid Till my bowels were unclotted and my mind was free once more. Then I found the toilet paper smelled of germicidal vapour And, like a potato scraper, left my bottom rough and sore. Be it Izal, be it Bronco, shall I ever know for sure? But, I swear it, nevermore!   Desperate, I strove to find a toilet tissue smoother, kinder, Till a timely friend’s reminder told me Andrex knows the score. Take the word of one who knows it, one who in his wisdom chose it, Count on being, once you close it, safe behind the bathroom door.