Heaven’s gate

In Competition No. 2958 you were invited to submit a conversation between St Peter and a well-known figure who is demanding admission to heaven.
Although the brief asked for a dialogue, Janice Harayda’s Donald Trump made the cut despite St Peter not getting a word in edgeways. Given that Trump doesn’t come across as the greatest listener — when asked who he consults on foreign policy he replied that his primary consultant was himself — this struck me as an altogether plausible ­scenario.
Sid Field’s wisecracking Groucho Marx and Martyn Hurst’s silver-tongued Tony Blair deserve honourable mentions. The winning entries, printed below, earn their authors £30 apiece.
 
Donald Trump: ‘We will make heaven great again when you admit me. We have no choice, Pete. When earth sends us its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing crime. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing copies of their obituaries in the Washington Post. The Washington Post! I revoked the press credentials of that paper.