Get ready for Elon Musk’s sex robots

My old mucker Donald Trump’s return to the White House has predictably sent the woke brigade into hysteria. From posting demented videos and shaving their heads to banning Trump supporters from having sex with them, it’s been a masterclass in the sore loser mentality they profess to despise so much in him. The Guardian is suffering a particularly embarrassing outbreak of PTSD (post-Trump-success distress). The editor’s email offer of support therapy to traumatised staff made me laugh out loud, as did the paper joining the liberal exodus from Elon Musk’s X in an equally comical fit of pique. But to be fair to the kale-munching wastrels, it can’t be easy when the guy you’ve been calling a racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, Nazi-inspired Islamophobic bigot gets so many new votes from black, Latino, female, Jewish and Muslim voters, and celebrates by dancing on stage to Village People’s gay anthem ‘YMCA’.

I spoke to Trump on the phone four times in the final stretch of the race, including a week after he got shot, when he called after seeing me on Fox praising his courage under fire. He told me how his miraculous escape reinforced his faith – ‘God must have saved me for a reason, right?’ – and why he thought Joe Biden was a ‘dumb son of a bitch’ but hoped he wouldn’t quit (he did, the next day). I felt that the heroic way Trump reacted to ‘taking a bullet for democracy’, as he put it, was a game-changing moment. ‘I already thought you’d win the election,’ I told him then. ‘But now I’m sure.’ And he duly did, because Americans didn’t just admire his balls – they also trusted him more to fix the cost-of-living crisis and illegal immigration, had grown sick of what his mate Elon calls the woke mind virus, and, unlike so-called political experts like Rory Stewart and Alastair Campbell, who guzzled the Kamala Kool-Aid, saw right through his vacuous word-salad-spewing opponent.