For one night only, I was back on the DJ decks

Hard to imagine now but I was once a hot club DJ. I now need to go to bed on the same day I got up but once upon a time – in fact, hundreds of times upon a time – I dropped big tunes at famous clubs including Le Beat Route, the Camden Palace and Stringfellows. I was knee-deep in cocaine and hookers but had no interest in either. My only interest was the glory I gleaned from filling a dancefloor with shiny, happy people.

Playing clubs was relatively easy. Revellers were keen to dance, especially those who arrived, shall we just say, ready-stimulated. Far harder were the countless parties and weddings in featureless function suites, council estate community centres and the backrooms of pubs that made the Queen Vic look like Claridge’s. There is no crueller shame than an empty dancefloor, where nothing you play will coax any guest to shake a leg until Dr Alcohol has done his work.