During a frantic online rummage for last-minute Christmas presents (I am too old to risk actually purchasing anything on the internet this close to the 25th, but I thought I might find some inspiration for presents I could then go out and buy in the shops and drag home in a bag on a stinking bus full of fat tourists through solid traffic), I came upon something very disturbing indeed: novelty baby clothes inspired by… Fifty Shades of Grey.
You thought the sexualisation of children had gone only as far as six-year-old girls dressed up as Lady Gaga. But it has gone much, much further. Such as, for example, tiny romper suits available on a website called Etsy, with ‘My mummy read Fifty Shades of Grey nine months ago’ written on it.
Nine months. Get it? Hilarious, no doubt. But an odd thing to want to wrap up and put under the tree. The image that sticks most in my mind from a swift read of Fifty Shades some months ago is of the eponymous Christian Grey giving his girlfriend an orgasm by whacking her sharply in the privates with a riding crop. That wouldn’t lead to a baby, would it? Gosh, there’s so much I don’t know. I even managed to waste quarter of a century of sexual activity without discovering that the secret of female ecstasy is a smart crack in the goolies with a cold stick.
Other seasonal gift suggestions include baby clothes featuring the image of a neck tie (famously used in the book to fasten the heroine to assorted solid objects for the purpose of silent physical violation) and jumpsuits and bibs with ‘My mummy pretends Christian Grey is my daddy’ written on them.
Isn’t that a lovely idea? When I’m spooning spag bol into my own baby daughter this Christmas, I think the thing I am most going to want to see on her front, along with the tomato stains and dribble, is information about what my wife is dreaming of to keep herself awake during our annual festive rumpy.
But if the wind is blowing that way, then I must blow with it.
Comments
Join the debate for just £1 a month
Be part of the conversation with other Spectator readers by getting your first three months for £3.
UNLOCK ACCESS Just £1 a monthAlready a subscriber? Log in