Fast and furious

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
12A, Nationwide

After a 19-year break, Indiana Jones, the world’s greatest adventurer and probably the world’s worst ever archaeologist — listen, even I know you can’t go around ripping open ancient mummies whenever you so fancy — is back. He is back because he has to find an ancient crystal skull before the Russians do, because the Russians want to use its knowledge to open a chain of aromatherapy salons or, failing that, to rule the world. Yes, it is our old friend global domination. So off he goes on the hunt, narrowly escaping — phew!; he really had me scared there for a minute! — from various dangers. These include gunfire, missiles, oncoming trucks, arrows, poisoned blow darts, bad Russians, perpendicular waterfalls, crumbling buildings, more bad Russians, retracting steps, cliff-edge car chases, screeching ghouls, a tornado of boulders, scorpions, quicksand, yet more bad Russians, being fired half-way across the Nevada desert in a fridge, quickmud, crispy giant red ants, mad monkeys that go ‘chee chee chee’, swords, rapiers, and a nuclear attack.