In Competition No. 2945 you were invited to suggest remarks guaranteed to get rid of a guest who is outstaying his or her welcome.
Leading the pack as surefire ways to get lingering guests reaching for their coats were birth videos, Estonian whisky, Stockhausen, didgeridoo recitals and Rolf Harris’s greatest hits. Also popular were suggestions along the lines of Basil Ransome-Davies’s ‘While you’re here, how about a spot of anal sex?’ and Tracy Davidson ‘Fancy a threesome?’, both of which struck me as somewhat risky. If all else fails, there’s always Graham Pirnie’s admirably uncompromising ‘Fuck off you boring old cow/git.’Those printed below are rewarded with £5 apiece.
Can anyone else smell gas?
Right, time to get the vuvuzelas out.
Do you want to hear my party piece? I’ve memorised π to 999 places. It’s 3.1415926535897932384626433…
Nicholas Hodgson
I’ve got this really rare recording of the whole text of Beowulf chanted in Anglo-Saxon — it should be perfect at this time of night.
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