Envy is the greatest blight of all

Hippocrates is known as the father of Western medicine and he discovered and named a disease known as ‘micropoulaki’ during the Periclean period, in around 430 BC. He did not call it a virus, but a sickness of the brain. Some years later, Aristotle described micropoulaki syndrome as a disease but one that was not contagious, ‘no more than a fool can influence an intelligent fellow to act foolish’.

Micropoulaki in classical Greek translates as having a tiny willy. Women should, by definition, be immune from the disease. But they are, strange as it may seem, known to suffer from it, although not as often and as badly as men do. The symptoms are terrible: feverish envy, raging periods of jealousy, hysterical fulminations, foaming at the mouth, howling at the moon, blustering, and so on. And inventing facts.

The irony of this sickness is that although man has invented the printing press, conquered various deadly diseases, dreamed up the bikini, flown to the moon and back, and crossed the oceans underwater, he has not made a scintilla of progress against micropoulaki. It’s as bad today, perhaps worse, than it was when Hippocrates first diagnosed it in Athens. Alcibiades was the guinea pig. (All of the above can be checked with Professor Peter Jones.)

Hippocrates noticed that when the extremely handsome, noble and rich Alcibiades swaggered around the Pnyka beneath the Acropolis, some men began to froth at the mouth, while others became disoriented and swore vengeance on the nobleman. Others still went as far as to announce (fake) news of his imminent death. Most of the men who showed such symptoms had their names taken down and were examined by Hippocrates. They all turned out to have tiny willies, hence the name micropoulaki. Then Aristotle came along and finished the job, defining the disease in simple terms as none other than envy of one’s betters, and one that was prevalent among men who had tiny penises and envied those with bigger ones. Tout court, as they say in the land of cheese, pun intended.

Those who judged Michael Gove by the books on his shelves may have been struck down by this dreaded disease. There are some sections of the media that have long been hotbeds of the syndrome, yet the medical and scientific professions have been unable to help.

Over at the New York Times micropoulaki has been rife for the past 20 years. Things got worse when a younger family member took over. Its columnists frothed increasingly at the mouth, the female writers outdoing the men in jealousy and hatred. Studies conducted by neutral sociologists have shown that although micropoulaki is not contagious, it is nevertheless passed on by peer pressure or extreme inherited envy. Hence the fear and loathing that has spread among the mainstream American media of conservatives, the police, the armed forces, and non-binary people in general.

Envy is a universal human failing, especially in America, a country of abundance and endless possibility. This makes for fertile ground for the spread of micropoulaki among the envious, who pretend that equality trumps ability. When a Bern-based doctor experimented with non-stop colonoscopies as an antidote and cure, he was only partly successful. In those suffering from micropoulaki their pre-frontal cortex — the part of the brain that controls decision-making — was located in their rears, where the colonoscopy was effective. But the procedure had no effect on the rest of their brain, which was still located in its normal position. Hence the failure to effect a total cure. When I last spoke to the good doctor’s assistant, he informed me that, although they are continuing their experiments, ‘as long as capitalism and genetics exist, we are incapable of eradicating the syndrome’.

These are wise words from wise doctors. Micropoulaki thrives among those who are set on equality of outcome rather than equality of opportunity. And cultural Marxists, among whom micropoulaki is prevalent, occupy the highest positions in education, entertainment and the mainstream media. What is to be done? I wish I knew. Only recently I advised a neocon of my acquaintance in Washington to seek medical help in the form of a penile extension. He went to a New York doctor recommended by the New York Times and had one. It’s too early to tell whether he’s been cured.

The irony is that poor immigrants in America who aspire to work hard and make it have enjoyed 100 per cent immunity from the dreaded disease. Whereas those who encourage them to seek something for nothing are the most vulnerable. And studies have shown that the societies where micropoulaki also tends to be prevalent are authoritarian Marxist ones.