Melissa Kite

Don’t bother calling the doctor 

iStock 
issue 20 July 2024

‘If you are calling about sinusitis, sore throat, earache in children, infected inset bite from the UK not overseas, impetigo, shingles, or female-only uncomplicated water infections, speak to your local pharmacist.’

That is how my parents’ GP surgery now answers the phone. A recorded message telling you to go away for almost every illness you might have is read out by a very stern male voice, unnecessarily loudly. He first tells you to dial 999 for life-threatening emergencies, or 111 for anything less serious, leaving you to decide which is which.

Then he tells you there are no appointments even if you wait for an answer because so many of the doctors themselves are off sick. Then he starts reeling off a list of things that are ‘common conditions’ that you must wander about the high street with.

Imagine if you came back from holiday and your leg was oozing pus… British mosquito or foreign one?

I particularly like the detail about UK-only infected bites. Imagine if you came back from holiday and the next day your leg was swollen and oozing pus. How would you decide whether it was a British mosquito or a foreign one?

The ‘uncomplicated’ bit is a nice touch with the water infections, because again, you have to be a doctor to decide what’s complicated.

And what if you haven’t decided you’re female? Nowadays, we can’t just assume.

I remember when any water infection was a cause for concern, no matter what its gender. Hell, I remember when any infected insect bite was something you’d take to a doctor, irrespective of the insect’s nationality.

As for shingles, I remember when shingles was something so worrying that if you heard of someone who had it you would tell someone else: ‘So-and-so’s got shingles!’ It was an event. They had to be shockingly run down, or else one of those rare types who never had chicken pox as a child.

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