Don’t bother calling the doctor 

‘If you are calling about sinusitis, sore throat, earache in children, infected inset bite from the UK not overseas, impetigo, shingles, or female-only uncomplicated water infections, speak to your local pharmacist.’

That is how my parents’ GP surgery now answers the phone. A recorded message telling you to go away for almost every illness you might have is read out by a very stern male voice, unnecessarily loudly. He first tells you to dial 999 for life-threatening emergencies, or 111 for anything less serious, leaving you to decide which is which.

Then he tells you there are no appointments even if you wait for an answer because so many of the doctors themselves are off sick. Then he starts reeling off a list of things that are ‘common conditions’ that you must wander about the high street with.

I particularly like the detail about UK-only infected bites.