In Competition No. 3225, you were invited to provide a version of the Lord Chancellor’s ‘Nightmare Song’ from Iolanthe for any member of the British cabinet.
Long Gilbertian lines mean there’s space only for me to applaud stellar contributions all round, but especially from D.A. Prince, Katie Mallett, Rachael Churchill, Janine Beacham, George Simmers and Bill Greenwell, who imagines what might rob the levelling–up secretary of his rest. Here’s a snippet:
When you’re lying awake and it feels like a snake Is adjusting your weak moral compass Then you groove to ‘Le Freak’ as an elderly geek Throwing shapes in an Aberdeen rumpus…
The winners below net £35 each.
When you’re lying awake and you shiver and shake, as you’ve done for the whole of the evening, And you can’t stand the fuss about you and Liz Truss over which of you ought to have Chevening, Well, you’re sleeping at last, but it proves a disaster, as nightmares begin to take over, And you have to admit to an MPs’ committee you didn’t know trade came through Dover. And now you’re in Calais, rehearsing a ballet, and putting your two best feet forward, But you stumble and cough and your tutu falls off and you’re savaged by Craig Revel Horwood; And a voice booms out ‘Raab! Have you had your tenth jab?’ and you’re trying to plead and to wheedle, But Vallance and Whitty, who don’t look too pretty, approach with a 20-foot needle; Then you fall in a trance, someone’s starting to dance: you! The Member for Walton and Esher, Now there’s nowhere to hide as you’re trans-mogrified to a mad fundamentalist preacher; And you’re stuck in Kabul in a prison that’s full, and the jailers are all trying to fleece you, And you’re starting to moan because no one will phone and demand that they’d better release you, But you’re tied to a post and they tell you you’re toast, and there’s no way you’re going to be leavin’, In your pink and green tights you demand human rights, (yes, the ones you’ve refused to believe in); And you’re feeling so numb as the Taliban come and condemn you for what you’ve been wearing, But you don’t give a fig, so you throw off your wig and awake with a shudder despairing… Nicholas Hodgson/Dominic Raab
When you’re lying awake, in need of a break and mopping your forehead with tissues, When you worry and fret and your mind is beset with a thousand intractable issues, When nothing turns up as the planet burns up and environment matters are pressing, And cheaper air fares only add to your cares in a budget that offers no blessing; When the populace sighs as food prices rise and the plight of the poor never ceases And asthma runs rife as you’re gasping for life while the carbon dioxide increases, When a Minister’s call is to please one and all and resolve each unsolvable riddle. How
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