Jeremy Clarke Jeremy Clarke

Doctor in the house | 24 September 2005

A social leper tells you of his miserable existence

issue 24 September 2005

Six for Sunday lunch. Me, my boy, my mother, my mother’s boyfriend Dr Lovepants, my sister, and this poised, well-groomed, long-haired chap, billed as the new man in my sister’s life. Me and the boy are a bit late and everyone else has started eating.

The new man in my sister’s life’s hair is receding at the front and long at the back and he’s got a pointy beard. I’m dying to discomfit him with searching questions. New men in my sister’s life, as a group, are normally among the most unserious people in the world. But this one looks like he’s treating the occasion with at least as much earnestness as my sister. The mien is essentially polite. The price tag on the bottle of French wine he’s brought says a whopping £6.50.

A man of immense intellect and apparently no emotional intelligence whatsoever, Dr Lovepants has already launched into his customary mealtime monologue.

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