Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 8 September 2007

Monday

V. exciting. Was in charge of note-taking and smoothies at our Emergency Treachery-Management Meeting. We couldn’t decide what to do about Mr Mercer. Jed argued for something v unpleasant-sounding, which would involve us digging for a lot of complicated information, and would take ages. Was a bit worried as have dressage trials with Sesame tonight. Thankfully Mrs Spelperson persuaded everyone we had to lovebomb ‘dear old Paddy’, or he would go ‘all the way over’. It is very confusing: Mr Mercer was supposed to be much too right-wing for us when we sacked him for telling the truth about the army, and now he is making friends with Mr Brown who is very left-wing. I think. Jed said it was typical that Mr Mercer and Mr Bercow couldn’t even defect properly. ‘Are they men or mice?’ He seemed a bit fraught, not at all centred. So not much time to decide whether we were lurching left or right today. Nigel said he was confident we could make it up as we went along: ‘Sort of slalom!’

My Smythson pen ran out (wonder if taking it back and demanding refund would be career-limiting?) so not sure how am going to compile the minutes. But everyone seemed to enjoy the smoothies. Our comms director Gary has a complete pash for pineapple and lime ones, so naturally that’s all we drink now. He calls them ‘smoothlys’, though. Feel bit sick, actually. Strange lurching feeling. Had jolly time watching Boris’s launch. We all stood around Gary’s TV monitor so it was easier to know when we were allowed to laugh.