Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 4 November 2006

Monday
We have to stop Gordon from stealing the environment! It was Dave’s idea to save the planet. It’s theft, pure and simple, what Labour is doing. Jed has written ‘Ownership’ in big green letters on the whiteboard. We’ve all got to come up with five ideas (why is it always five of everything in politics?) on how to remind people that tackling climate change was our policy in the first place. Have nearly done mine: spray-paint our offices bright green; promise to tax people until the pips squeak (think we may have already said that); ban gas-guzzling 4x4s from the Commons carpark (this is tricky because half the front bench would not be able to get to work and nor would I); introduce independently monitored credit system for use of the frappuccino machine — ‘frap and trade’! Obviously the latter would be by far the bravest option, given our party’s newly deep-seated links with the frothy coffee industry.