Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 3 May 2008

Monday

Dear me! Why does everyone take what we say so literally? When Dave declared that he wanted to end Punch and Judy Politics he was speaking metaphorically. He didn’t mean he was literally going to stop shouting abuse at Gordon. That would be silly. We need to hold the government to account. The British people would never forgive us if we didn’t tell the truth about Gordon — for example that he is useless and weird! Not to mention overweight, miserable and — yes — a loser. What’s more, these insults aren’t random. They have been scientifically worked out. I personally sit on the working group that comes up with them. It takes many hours of careful planning to make it look as if former public schoolboys are spontaneously hurling abuse across the despatch box — as if they were back in the common room setting off stink bombs! In fact, all our insults go through a series of rigorous safety trials and are roadtested thoroughly on focus groups before use.