Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 27 January 2007

MONDAY

The scariest thing was waiting for us in the meeting room this morning. It was a huge projected figure on the wall with the head of Shilpa Shetty and the body of Jade Goody. Jed marched in, stood in front of it and said, ‘Ideas?’ Everyone mute. Except Wonky Tom who can’t bear silences and stammered, ‘Is this about broadcasting regulations?’ But our beloved Director of Strategy said it was not — or words to that effect which I can’t use here.

‘This, my fellow change-makers, is today’s Conservative party. Beautiful head — shame about the fat, horrible, reactionary bit underneath it.’ Why didn’t he just ask us to come up with new ways of marketing the shadow Cabinet? Why do we have to go through the stress of a ‘Dynamic Imaging Presentation’? We’ve all been assigned a frontbencher to ‘work on’. I’m not saying who mine is, but I’m going to recommend laser eye surgery, hair extensions and a gay affair.