MONDAY
The scariest thing was waiting for us in the meeting room this morning. It was a huge projected figure on the wall with the head of Shilpa Shetty and the body of Jade Goody. Jed marched in, stood in front of it and said, ‘Ideas?’ Everyone mute. Except Wonky Tom who can’t bear silences and stammered, ‘Is this about broadcasting regulations?’ But our beloved Director of Strategy said it was not — or words to that effect which I can’t use here.
‘This, my fellow change-makers, is today’s Conservative party. Beautiful head — shame about the fat, horrible, reactionary bit underneath it.’ Why didn’t he just ask us to come up with new ways of marketing the shadow Cabinet? Why do we have to go through the stress of a ‘Dynamic Imaging Presentation’? We’ve all been assigned a frontbencher to ‘work on’. I’m not saying who mine is, but I’m going to recommend laser eye surgery, hair extensions and a gay affair.
TUESDAY
Lot of policy all of a sudden. We are going to limit the supply of fast food and take Big Macs off the street once and for all. It’s part of tackling social pollutants. Problem is — Dave’s also hinting his support for legalising cannabis! Nigel spotted the catch immediately: ‘If everyone starts smoking dope, aren’t they going to want to eat burgers afterwards?’ He’s so good at long-term policy projection.
To underline our commitment to food issues, Dave is going on a diet! It’s ‘the only target that matters’, according to my v funny briefing note. More seriously, he’s reaching out to the Dieting Community. Fat is no longer a socialist issue! The type of diet hasn’t been settled yet, but Jed has copies of Love Yourself Thin and The Nice and Slow Diet Revolution on his desk, so we should have an announcement any day now.
WEDNESDAY
Bit of briefing bother.
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