Monday
Trust Labour to go and apologise for the slave trade. The cheek of it! We played just as big a part, if not bigger, in the atrocities of Roots. It’s just as much ours to say sorry for, and Dave would have done it so much better. With real tears. Well, see if we care! Our man’s in Iraq sporting a flak jacket with panache and not looking like a constipated jellybaby — like certain people with clunking fists and the handwriting of a psychopath we could mention. It’s just so petty. No sooner do we announce that Churchill is ‘wholly inadequate’ (hello? statement of the obvious!) than Blair comes out with a measly historic U-turn of his own. Talk about desperate. He’ll be apologising for Iraq next. (We’re planning to do that next week!) Jed ripped through the office like a hurricane this morning ordering us all to come up with lists of things to apologise for, together with ideas for more ‘POLLIES’ — People Of the Left who Live In Extravagant Splendour. ‘I don’t give a *$&* if Tariq Ali says he’ll sue, get me names of upmarket lefties, or I’ll spray the sushi buffet with polonium….’ I think his aura rebalancing is overdue.
Tuesday
Was up till 3 a.m. scouring Wikipedia. My new Tory idols: Che Guevara; Hugo Chávez; Ken Livingstone; Jan Leeming and Jesus (was going to put Muhammad to be ethnic, then thought better of it, as someone might think I was joking). Things to apologise for: the Falklands war; the miners’ strike; Take That reforming; the potato famine and the poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko. Everyone fizzing with ideas. Nigel wondered whether Mr Maude should apologise for himself (Mr Maude agreed this would be nice touch).
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