MONDAY
Double code red alert: Dave’s going too grey! Huge postmortem into why we let a sprinkling of hairs which put him in touch with older voters escalate into whole patches of grey which led to an interviewer at the weekend uttering the T word*.
Obviously there are things we can do to minimise impact — Sam’s been to Boots — but there’s a feeling this would not have happened if we had had our eye on the ball and not been so wrapped up in the debate about spending cuts. Anyway, we must put this oversight behind us because a v exciting thing is happening this week: the long awaited launch of Merlin 2, our new computer system!! After much research into the demise of Merlin 1 (or Submarine Catflap as it became known), a new super-high-tech system is now installed in every single constituency office up and down the country allowing us to see what candidates are doing at every hour of the day — and night! Everything will be recorded and monitored and automatically fed back to Lord A in the Merlin 2 Central Control Room. Wish I was on the Merlin team but unfortunately have to type up press release on Labour’s ludicrous child protection database — yet more overbearing interference in citizens’ lives.
*tired
TUESDAY
Just to be clear, because there seems to be a lot of confusion: Merlin 2 will be measuring something called Candidate Activity Rates. Lord A and Mr Pickles (or Mini-Me as Lord A insists on calling him) will make a list each week of the Top Ten performing constituencies — and the bottom ten. There will be a prize for the most active and on-message candidates and incentivising penalties (such as Lord A taking his money back) for the laziest and most troublesome.
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