Monday
Oh dear. What a sad day. Desperate calls from upset MPs to the Expenses Helpline. Many of them elderly and beside themselves with worry about how they are going to make the repayments. Some are even having to contemplate horrendous sacrifices such as selling paintings that have been in their family for centuries! Of course, we are giving them all the support we can, but Dave is adamant: pay up or stand down. (He’s so sexy when he does ultimatums!) And as Jed movingly pointed out at morning strategy meeting, every cloud has a silver lining. Difficult as this is, on the bright side: lots of new on-message candidates are already coming forward and they can easily be parachuted into safe seats vacated by sleazy old trouble-making has-beens, says Jed, if only the old has-beens would get a move on and clear off.
Tuesday
Mr Maude is hopping with glee at the narrowing gap in the polls.
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