Monday
Oh dear. What a sad day. Desperate calls from upset MPs to the Expenses Helpline. Many of them elderly and beside themselves with worry about how they are going to make the repayments. Some are even having to contemplate horrendous sacrifices such as selling paintings that have been in their family for centuries! Of course, we are giving them all the support we can, but Dave is adamant: pay up or stand down. (He’s so sexy when he does ultimatums!) And as Jed movingly pointed out at morning strategy meeting, every cloud has a silver lining. Difficult as this is, on the bright side: lots of new on-message candidates are already coming forward and they can easily be parachuted into safe seats vacated by sleazy old trouble-making has-beens, says Jed, if only the old has-beens would get a move on and clear off.
Tuesday
Mr Maude is hopping with glee at the narrowing gap in the polls. ‘See, I told you so! Only ten points ahead — and after Dave’s speech as well! What more evidence do you people need? We are going to lose badly unless we pull our socks up!’ Normally, of course, we would tell him to submit his concerns in writing in the usual way by filling in the feedback form and putting it in the suggestions box. But even Jed says he’s got a point this time. The absence of a conference bounce is worrying. As is our latest focus-grouping. Our new message of ‘Work Harder, For Longer, For Less!’ doesn’t seem at all popular with young professionals (lazy layabouts!). However, it is proving a huge success with elderly retired people who are mad keen on the idea of everyone else being made to work till they’re 80. So it’s not all bad.
Wednesday
I don’t envy Mr Klaus. Mr Hague ringing him constantly on v spurious excuses. This morning he tried to engage him in conversation about the 2.30 at Aintree, then asked him whether he wouldn’t mind just staying on the phone for the next four months to keep him com- pany while his wife was away on business. After two hours, the poor Czech president ended up promising to tie his right hand behind his back and put all his pens in a locked drawer if Mr H would only let him go and have his lunch. Mr Pickles, meanwhile, is getting his knickers in a terrible twist about our funny allies. He’s going round telling anyone who will listen that ‘all the best people were homophobic once!’ Also, he keeps exploding. One minute he’s a softly spoken Northerner, the next minute he’s a raging bull, screaming: ‘Don’t talk to me about democracy in Poland! I invented democracy in Poland!’ Not sure this is right. Although apparently he did go there once.
Thursday
Disaster! Jed says Dave so impressed by the good behaviour of candidates at conference that he is making the ‘one unit of alcohol a day’ rule a permanent thing until the next election. One unit?!? That’s barely enough to get me through a hung parliament planning meeting, and there’s no end in sight to the Europe hassle. Sarko’s people on the phone again. I’m to tell Dave his policy on Europe is ‘a grand connery’ (something to do with Sean?). There’s only one thing for it. Am going to have to fill my handbag with mini bottles.
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