Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 16 September 2006

Monday

Busy busy. Dave is adamant that foreign policy cannot be reduced to soundbites, so of course, as Jed explained, we need a range of soundbites to convey this. ‘We will give solid not slavish support to the US’; ‘We will not come up with grand schemes to remake the world’ (Nigel says this is just as well because we can’t think of any); and most important ‘We’re all neo-libs now’. Unfortunately, we’re short-staffed due to holidays in Corfu (we should set up an office there) so I end up doing both sides of the briefing. The notes were like a market research questionnaire. ‘If reporter neocon omit par. 5’, etc. Don’t know how we get away with it. Do these journos not speak to each other? What happens if they all get together and check their notes? Surely this is lying? Nigel says to think of it as ‘neo-fibs’. Says if I don’t stop fretting he’ll send me to work for Mr Bridges on his northern outreach mission. This is sobering. Nobody knows quite what he does, but rumour has it it’s just like the Salvation Army. He sets up a little stall on the streets and hands out leaflets to passers-by who jeer and threaten to punch him.

Tuesday

Everyone nervous because the ‘TB-GBs’ have gone quiet. Like losing an old friend, really. If you ask me, this whole Labour leadership thingy is very odd. Who is Tom Watson anyway? And why is he not allowed to give Gordon Brown’s baby a present? I think it was very nice of him. I know I shouldn’t really say this, but poor Mr Blair. I mean, obviously he’s ruined the country etc., but no one does an open-necked shirt quite like him.