Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody – 16 June 2006

Hot: where’s the glacier when you need it?

MONDAY

Hot: where’s the glacier when you need it? Am sick of trawling internet for violent lyrics Dave can use for campaign against rap: just because someone called ‘Lethal Bizzle’ said he was a ‘donut’ — I don’t even understand why this is an insult. Various references to cracking skulls, shooting up and hanging with crews — or should I say ‘crewz’? Found repeated use of ‘their’ instead of ‘there’, possessive its with an apostrophe etc. Honeztly, Dave should launch a campaign against bad spelling in hip-hop if you ask me.

Thankfully, we are moving on soon. Our next campaign is an attack on novelty mobile ringtones. ‘Cameron takes on Crazy Frog.’ How can it lose? That should silence the spoilsports who say we need policy.

Jed, our new strategic communications chief — catchphrase: ‘Don’t call me Alastair’ — says policy is over. ‘Soul statements’ are the way forward. ‘People don’t wanna hear what politicians are gonna do,’ he explains. ‘Boring! They wanna hear what politicians feeeeel, man!’ He is so cool.

TUESDAY

Mr Letwin mooching about. Asked whether he wanted a cup of tea, he said: ‘On the one hand, yes, one would very much like to be included in a tradition as wholesome as the office tea run. On the other hand, one would have to counterbalance this by recognising that one has already had two cups this morning which, although made with a good deal of milk, may well, if supplemented by a third, lead, by the end of the day, to a surfeit of caffeine.’ Nigel says we will have to evacuate the office when he starts sifting through the work of the policy commissions.

WEDNESDAY

‘The Lightning Rods’ strategy worked so well with poor Mr Maude and the A-list we are applying it to EPP fiasco.