Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 15 May 2010

Sunday

Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it?! Ok, we’d have liked the voters to grasp just how brilliant Dave is — if only so I could have knocked back that bottle of champagne with Poppy and Wonky Tom on election night. And I’m sure Gary is feeling a bit embarrassed after calling nice Mr Murdoch to tell him the exit poll was wrong. Oops! But it’s all far from a disaster. I’ve always said those Liberals are such nice people. And the Cabinet Office has put on a lovely spread for our negotiations — mini quiches and everything!! Am charged with making sure a constant stream of cheese sandwiches gets to Mr Hague (and his v edible researcher). But then I’m also ‘looking after’ this freckled, ginger Scottish boy who seems to be quite big on the Lib Dem side. Look at them, they look like the cast of Harry Potter. How difficult can it be for Dave to twist this lot around his little finger? I reckon we’ll have it all wrapped up by Monday. Mr Hague just stormed out and shouted ‘Get DD on the phone! We need him to sedate up the right!’ There’s a thing I never thought we’d hear again. Wonder what on earth they could want him for? Commando tactics, no doubt — to push home our advantage. Dave and Nick have given their bodyguards the slip again and gone off for a bite to eat together! They couldn’t think of a tapas restaurant that deserved to go down in history so they had a pizza in Dave’s office instead. I’ve got the wind turbine company on stand-by, ready to fix up No. 10 for the new coalition. After all, yellow and blue makes green!!