JANUARY 2007
As we await the coming of the Force of Darkness, work begins on election posters featuring Gordon as Darth Vader.
Tory coffers bulging in preparation for the fight, half a million raised in one evening at a party at Blenheim. Pol Roger champagne flowing and as much caviar as you can eat (for only £5,000!).
Back at HQ we launch our ‘Live Life For Less’ campaign, teaching poor people to be thrifty. We unveil plans to ban fast food, and clamp down on other ‘social pollutants’ such as Edward Leigh.
FEBRUARY
A lot of nosy-parkers demand to know whether we are going to cut taxes. As we haven’t the faintest idea, we are able to skilfully resist demands to formulate policy.
Meanwhile, after a spate of shootings in south London — wherever that is — Dave shows he has the answers to society’s ills by pointing out that hardly anyone who guns down children on council estates is married. Mr Luntz in the basement with his funny dials says we’ve never been so popular.
MARCH
The modernising continues apace as we apologise for slavery and move from our traditional home above Starbucks to Millbank. Dave gets a lot of stick for taking a plane from Oxford to Hereford. (Good job they didn’t know about the helicopter ride to the airfield!) Plans for a strict flight allowance for holidaymakers causes huge upset and we have to get Dave’s hair cut. While clever, no one could have predicted that the resulting ‘Parting-gate’ row would rage for weeks and see us shoot up in the polls!
APRIL
We outline our vision for a Britain where everyone is civil to each other. Unfortunately there are claims that Gids once rolled a Hungarian count down a hill in a Portaloo, which is not all that civil, although it does put us in touch with the Asbo generation.
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