Monday
Massive double red alert!!! Lily Allen dedicated her song ‘F*** You!’ to Dave last night at the O2 arena!! How could she?? We offered her a peerage and a front-bench job as a Treasury minister in the Lords for goodness sake. Tom says it’s cos we took a principled stand against her foul-mouthed Broken Society lyrics. Now she’s directing her BS lyrics at us!! Oh dear, what will happen when Dave finds out??? He’s going to be cross and get red cheeks and then we’ll go down in the marginals even more. Can’t think about it now. Have to take Mr Vaizey his medication. Tom’s done a brilliant job padding the Austerity Room by stapling bubble-wrap to the walls. As well as hallucinating that his ‘best mate Sam’ once told him she voted Labour, Mr V has been imagining weird things about policy. E.g., that we are going to privatise the BBC. Maybe he could front some kind of mental health campaign.
Tuesday
Mr Grayling hanging around all morning asking whether Dave will be his friend again now he’s proved that violent crime is up by 44 per cent. ‘Isn’t this terrific news? All over Britain people are being mugged and raped and murdered more than ever before, just like I said they were!! Are you pleased with me? Can I be one of the Famous Five now? No one knows who Jeremy Hunt is. I’m way more famous than him!’ I said we’d get back to him. He’s got a point about Hunt though. Until last week I didn’t know who he was. He came into the office for an election planning meeting and I told him to man the Low Carbon Handpresso Cappuccino Machine.
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