Monday
List of conference ‘Banned Persons’ growing by the minute. DD, Bercow and Duncan obviously. (DD a total liability, in complete Guns & Ammo overdrive and would probably descend on Manchester in full combat gear with a branch on his head if we let him.) Mr Redwood has agreed to an amnesty if we let him do one fringe event, not v mysteriously titled ‘50 spending cuts for a brighter Britain!’ Mr Vaizey has signed a licence permitting him to attend if he refrains from uttering the words ‘BBC’ and ‘privatise’. Now we just need to get Mr Letwin and Mr Willetts to sign the restraining order forbidding them from going within 80 yards of each other. The last thing we need is people seeing them having one of their little ‘discussions’ about how detailed exactly the manifesto should be and whether it’s a blueprint or a game plan.
Tuesday
Mr Hague’s Lisbon crisis getting worse. Jed says we may need to bring in The Decision Makers. This is a super team of top people from industry, mainly Google, who step in when we’re having a spot of bother and facilitate something called decision-making. Jed says that now that we are officially preparing for government, and not just preparing for preparing for government, we need to start taking actual decisions, not pretend ones. And that is not something that comes easy after all these years, let me tell you!
Poor Mr Hague is finding it particularly difficult, as he has a huge natural talent for pretend decision-making which is almost impossible to suppress. It’s pitiful listening to him in the Tranquillity Room: ‘Yes we WILL offer a rrrrrrrreferedum! No, wait a minute. What if the Irish say yes? Er-hem. No! We WON’T offer a rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreferendum! But that won’t do. Oh deary me. Hmmmm.’
Wednesday
A lot of people are still asking why we have not completely sacked Little Al Duncan. As I explained previously, Dave has no intention of condemning such a talented player on the sidelines to an aimless life racking up sleazy dollars working for an oil company. As such, a minor role as shadow prisons minister, reflecting on what happens to bad people, is the least we can do to help keep Mr D gainfully employed in something difficult and largely thankless which he will find a little more challenging and fulfilling. And let’s hear no more insinuations that we can’t sack him cos he’d only go public with what he knows. If Mr D knows anything about anything, apart from prisons policy of course, which he’s super clever at, I’d be v surprised indeed!!
Meanwhile we must decide who is to face horrid Nick Griffin on Question Time. Mr Grayling is driving us nuts. He’s already got the projected audience figures and is practising in front of the mirror, according to his wife, who rings to beg us to let him do it or she may have to go to her mother’s. Poor woman. She really ought to speak to Doreen.
Thursday
Memo on outside earnings: ‘Gold, diamonds, oil and private health insurance are not considered helpful. Kindly remember your Compassionate Credentials when accepting directorships, non-executive or otherwise. Yours in anticipation of full compliance, Dave.’ Don’t suppose it will do any good. Now Gids is slashing MPs’ pensions they’re going to need all the outside earnings they can get. We may as well try to stop people making money from wallpaper.
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