Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 1 May 2010

Monday

Hoorah! After our triumphant hung parliament noose broadcast we are planning an even more direct appeal to the British public to give Dave the majority he deserves. In our next public information film — entitled ‘Britain, beware stupidity!’ — we will argue that the Lib Dem surge is proof that Gordon has made the electorate thick as two short planks. Lack of decent education and dumbing down means we now have a nation of voters so daft they are thinking of choosing Nick Clegg. This just shows why we must get Gordon out of power. Gids will look directly into the camera with a grave, sorrowful expression and say: ‘Another five years of Labour and the people of this country will be so ignorant they might never vote for the Tories again.’ Genius huh! Meanwhile, we are pleased to see the talented Mr Clegg admitting that the only decent thing he can do on 7 May is to ensure Dave takes power.