Dave is not to be disturbed unless it’s urgent DIDs (Desert Island Discs) fallout
Monday
Dave is en famille and not to be disturbed unless it’s urgent DIDs (Desert Island Discs) fallout, which means Mr Hague is in charge. Officially. Unofficially, DD keeps ringing up and tasking us with impossible demands. He may as well ask how many foreign prisoners it takes to change a light bulb. And if he doesn’t stop calling me Tammy I will scream.
Poppy is so besotted she has even started talking like him, military references and all. Says DD is like Hannibal at Cannae, positioning his troops in a thin line around the mighty Labour army ready to massacre them from the outside in. I think she has finally lost it. Glassy eyes in Starbucks again.
Tuesday
The DIDs Impact Assessment report is a shocker. The ‘Ernie Effect’ is totally out of control. Eight out of ten people now associate Dave with beaten-up Ford Cortinas, Carry On films and bottles of silver-top milk. The answer to ‘If David Cameron were an animal, which would he be?’ was almost unanimous: a rabbit. Last month he was an Aston Martin, a Bond film, a plate of smoked salmon and a killer lizard. Nigel says it’s good news. ‘It’s taken the edge off the Old Etonian debauchery thing. Now he’s about good, wholesome, low-grade British smut.’ Whatever. Personally, I think it is v. bad for our General Wellbeing. Mr Maude suspects our decision to choose ‘Ernie’ came from a rogue focus group finding and is convinced the two ‘Female Waverers’ who told Steve that Benny Hill was a ‘post-post-modern comic genius’ were Labour infiltrators. Inquiry ahoy!
He also gives us a pep talk to ‘put in context’ our success in the polls.
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