Diary – 9 September 2005

With my wife’s consent, I have just become the lover of a handsome 57-year-old lady. She has a fine round bottom and a comfortable beam. I sought expert advice before embarking on the affair. Ian Burgoyne, marine surveyor, tapped her all over with a little hammer and probed her most intimate parts with a spike. He pronounced her in good condition for her age. Her knees were sound and her hog was free of wet rot, which was evidently a good thing. Mr Burgoyne’s only concern was five slightly cracked frames on the port side. Not knowing exactly what these were, I studied his recommended treatment: ‘The plank sea could be fitted with a seam batten and the frames doubled using oak timbers that are secured to the original frames as well as the hull timbers.’ Ah. If only the human frame could be so readily rejuvenated. I wrote the cheque.