Diary – 4 October 2003

Did you have a nice holiday? I know I did. Did you find yourself in a hotel bedroom in Naples looking after four children between the ages of two and six? Two girls and two boys, while everyone else went sightseeing. (‘Look! There’s a boy stealing that lady’s Prada handbag!’) The two girls have me as a father, the other two belonged to friends. They all wanted to watch something on television. After about three hours, they all agreed that they wanted to watch an animation they knew by heart called Ice Age. I fell asleep, only to be woken by four children screaming and pointing at the television set. Out of the screen came noises that sounded like someone being garrotted. In fact, it was two lesbians chewing away at each other and making orgasmic groans in Italian. The little mites must have been playing around with the zapper and dredged up a porn channel. I had to do quite a bit of explaining about how some people like to be chewed and how one of the women was probably looking for a sock in the bed. I swear to you I’ve nothing against lesbians, but you don’t find advice about this sort of hazard in Baedeker. And in the middle of the afternoon, too!

Walking through Regent’s Park this week dodging middle-aged men on electric scooters, I spied a cute little squirrel burrowing among the autumn leaves and tearing at the earth with his sharp claws. I was as close as David Attenborough and could see everything. The bushy-tailed arboreal rodent had saved a nut, and was burying it for future use. How wise of him! How prudent of him to look after himself and be so self-reliant that he will not be a burden on anyone. The coming winter may be a harsh one, but he will have something to look forward to on the long cold nights, a stash for the lean times ahead.