Melanie Phillips

Diary – 29 October 2004

Its time to gain respect among the toddlers

issue 30 October 2004

I am currently sporting a plaster cast on my left arm which is further encased in a sling. People wonder solicitously whether I have been attacked by enraged human-rights lawyers or serial adulterers. Alas, the truth is rather less heroic. Having had a swimming lesson, I slipped on the changing-room floor; putting out my hand to break my fall, I managed to break my wrist as well. Apparently, I have something called a Colles’ fracture, where one bone is pushed into the other. ‘We’re going to have to pull them apart right away!’ breezily announces the casualty doctor. I inwardly curse all those pieces I have written extolling stoicism and stiff upper lips, and wonder whether it is possible actually to die of fright. Nurses pile into the room to watch the fun, as one of them holds on to my shoulder while the doctor grips my fingers tightly, steadies himself on the floor, and…. Actually it was fine. It didn’t hurt much at all; just felt a bit weird being racked on the NHS.

So why am I having swimming lessons at my age? I was never taught to swim properly as a child. Putting my head under water was out of the question. But I just got fed up with watching other people having fun powering up and down the pool, while I pathetically slunk in the shallow end. So I decided it was finally time to gain respect among the toddlers. A friend recommended a brilliant instructor, Steven Shaw, who specialises in sad cases like me. He applies to swimming the principles of the Alexander technique, which are all about breathing and balance. The results were almost instantly remarkable. By lesson four, I was able to float with my head submerged — and even let go of Steven for two or three seconds.

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