Dear Santa | 12 December 2019

In Competition No. 3128 you were invited to submit letters to Santa written in the style of the author of your choice.
 
I failed to track down examples of real letters from well-known writers to Old Nick (although both Mark Twain and Tolkien penned letters to their children from Father Christmas). But this was more than compensated for by the terrific standard of entries: step forward, David Silverman, channelling Dan Brown: ‘Dear Santa, I know who you are, buddy! And I can prove it! You’re an anagram of SATAN!…’; John Samson as Irvine Welsh: ‘Dear San’a, Gonny gi’e us back ma literary credentials…’; and Adrian Fry’s Harold Pinter: ‘I’ll be here when you come, wide awake… Expect no brandy, no pie: alms patronise. Finally, no laughter. Absolutely no laughter.’
 
Other runners-up are Frank Upton, G.M. Southgate, Katherine Lloyd Clark and A.J. Snyders. The winners earn £30.

You are fat, Father Christmas, your tummy is shocking!
The chimney may prove a tight fit
To deliver the things that I’d like in my stocking —
I urge you to diet a bit.