Q. One of my very best female friends has got into the habit of lecturing me on gender equality, in a manner that sometimes borders on aggressive. Now, I identify as a feminist man, and understand the need for healthy debate. However, her hypocrisy is irksome and hard to overlook (I’m still expected to buy drinks, dinner etc, even in a platonic relationship). This is coupled with the fact that she consistently reports back to having not offered to pay when out with male suitors. Any advice on how to breach the topic? Not least to save my wallet…
— E.C., London
A. Confide your confusion to another female (not known to the one you write about). Ask her to help you solve the mystery once and for all. She will need to identify as a feminist, at least for an evening. Let’s call your very close friend ‘Feminist One’ and the helper ‘Feminist Two’. Invite Feminist Two to join you in a restaurant with Feminist One. When the bill comes, Feminist Two should slap her card on the tray, then turn to Feminist One as she declares that she believes a feminist must always pay for herself in a restaurant — and does Feminist One agree? And if not, why would she let a man pay for her? Listen quietly while Feminist One explains herself.
Q. A good friend has given me the draft of the first half of his novella asking for my suggestions. How do I determine if he wants genuine feedback, or praise and encouragement to help him finish?
— D.W., London SW19
A. Whatever your friend’s motive, he has put you in an impossible position. All writers know that even the smallest criticism, direct or implied, valid or invalid, can crush a writer’s self-confidence so utterly that they abandon the literary project involved.
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