Dear Mary: Nigel Slater asks how to seem grateful for bad presents

From Nigel Slater
Q. With each passing year (I am nearly 60, for heaven’s sake), I am finding it increasingly difficult to lie convincingly. This is a particular problem when unwrapping presents. The grateful words flow from my lips like warm jam from a spoon but what appears on my face is ‘Seriously, how could you?’ Do you have any suggestions as to how I can make my facial expression match my words? I hate to appear ungrateful.

A. This problem may be relieved with the easy expedient of alcohol. There is a reason people drink fizzy wines during the festive season — they produce a mild euphoria which masks the sense of disappointment which so often accompanies the opening of gifts. Simply ensure that you and your guests have imbibed at least two glasses before unwrapping anything. Teetotallers may like to watch Carry On films, or short clips of Terry Thomas or Tommy Cooper, before opening their presents in public.