Q. As a radio producer one of the most infuriating – and surprisingly common – things people ask is: ‘When will you be a presenter?’ Can you help with a withering response that lets them know I don’t feel like a failure, but have willingly chosen a completely different job?
— M.G., London SE1
A. You might reply: ‘Oh God no, I’d hate to do that but … [assume a sympathetic facial expression] why do you ask? Would you like to be a presenter?
Q. My best friend lives in Australia, and visits annually to see friends and family. Every time we meet she has invited along so many other people she wants to catch up with that we never manage to engage in any kind of decent conversation. Then she always calls me from the airport bemoaning the fact that ‘we haven’t seen each other properly’. This year, how can I ensure we have some time alone without causing any trouble?
— J.B., Pimlico
A. Next time, get in early by suggesting you give a surprise lunch party for her at your house. Let her assume she will be working off a payload of mutual friends at this event. Then make sure you only invite people who you know will either be at work, away or flaky. When she turns up to find it is just the two of you, explain that when, by a weird coincidence, none of the other people you invited were able to make this particular day, you concluded that fate must be conspiring to ensure that the two of you could enjoy quality time. Your friend will be secretly relieved that someone else made the decision to take the ‘bulk processing’ option off the menu.
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