Q. My mainly male colleagues and I were happy to learn that an attractive young woman would be joining the staff of the boarding prep school where we work. Yet, unfathomably, and despite having gone to the Dragon and grown up in north Oxford, this new colleague’s table manners turned out to be truly revolting. She eats very quickly, with both elbows on the table, head down and lifting the food in via her knife, hardly using her fork at all. This has turned us all off — most notably me at whom she has made a series of unsubtle passes — and as a result we have cancelled the tradition of Sunday staff suppers as no one can stomach sitting at a table with her. The headmaster’s wife is clearly paralysed by the size of the task involved and has no idea how to tackle this young woman (who is a competent teacher). What do you suggest for next term?
— Name and address withheld
A. You should use this crisis as an opportunity. Table manners are no longer taught in schools, yet there is a huge demand for instruction. Witness this year’s heavily oversubscribed summer school for 11-year-olds in Wiltshire at which table manners formed the core of the curriculum. When asked ‘Why are table manners important?’ the children spontaneously chorused: ‘So you can get a boyfriend/girlfriend.’ Offer to run a table-manners club at the school yourself and ask this female colleague to assist you with its administration, though none of the teaching. As she finds you attractive, she will certainly agree. Once she listens to you lecturing on the topic, the gravity of her own failings will become clear to her, as well as their consequences (no boyfriend).
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