Q. I live far away from my brother and his family, but went to stay with them recently for the first time in many years. Having supper was like eating a meal with the starving. Brother, wife and their young teenager hunched down low in order to be nearer to their large plates of stew, which they ingested by noisy slurping and eating off both forks and knives, scraping the plates clean intently and, in my brother’s case, lifting plate to mouth to make sure the last bit of gravy went unwasted. Sister-in-law holds knife and fork like pencils. Child is learning the same. My mother would have been horrified at this Hogarthian scene, as was I. I also felt sick. How can I help them to mend their ways?
— K., London
A. Men depend on women’s nagging to ensure courtesy at the table, so your brother’s wife has obviously set the standards for this household. She may herself hail from a background which innocently values gusto over squeamishness. Alternatively, she may be insecure and have subconsciously realised that permitting the savagery is a surefire way of alienating her husband’s natural coevals so that she has him to herself.
After years of eating like this, civilised guests will have self-edited and there will be no one to pull the family up sharp (apart from another family member). It is your duty to act — but you shouldn’t lecture the parents. Instead, invite the son for a lengthy visit to your own house where, since he is at a susceptible age, he can be subtly re-indoctrinated. Let him be the one to retrain his parents.
Q. A few months ago, a good friend of ours in the village asked if her son could paint a portrait (for a competition) of my daughter and me.
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